Memories are like the pack of gems I so prized when I was a kid. I picked out my favorite color gems and kept it aside, to savor it all alone. They are that amazing albums stored in the drives of the mind that are accessible at your call. You only need to close your eyes and think of those times..
The thing with memories is, you cannot separate the sad from the happy ones. You cannot simply delete those memories that make you cry, that make you cringe or that make you hate yourself. It is a double edged sword.
There are some memories that make you smile to yourself and feel happy about all those wonderful moments you shared with someone. Then there are some that make you question, "What went wrong?"
She was the only one who I could call BFF. It is another thing that when I knew her, I did not know that term.
One day she walked behind me from the dance class. I was with my father and she did not speak to me. That day, as she told me much later, she decided she wanted to know me. I do not remember when exactly I became her friend. We were in primary school that time. She was two years my senior.
Walking to the classes together was just the beginning of a friendship that lasted all through our growing years.
Soon I began dropping at her home when I was bored. She visited my home as randomly. We gelled with each other's family. Birthdays, festivals, result days, every event included visiting each other.
There were evenings when we went for walks or simply played carom at her house.
There were afternoons when we talked for hours or watched a movie on TV.
We talked about growing up, about parent problems, about crushes, about the raging hormones, about the insecurities of our changing bodies, of friends in our class.
There were times when we explored R world on the reliance mobile she had at home. Yes, even searching the photographs of movie stars on phone was a thrill.
Once we decided to cook at my house. I wasn't allowed to cook yet and she had mastered cooking already. We purchased potatoes, maggi and curd.
I remember stealthily opening the door of my house while she was hiding the packets in the flower pot outside ( we did not want the neighbors to see).
That day we fried the potatoes and had it with maggi noodles and washed it down with lassi made from the curd. Weird combination I know but we relished it.
There were so many such crazy things we did. We never clicked pictures. We were just creating beautiful memories that did not need uploading on facebook (there was no facebook those days!)
Her mother worked as a non teaching staff and could bring home the books from library. We weren't allowed to carry the books from library, we could just read it during the library period. Because of her mother I read a lot of books which we both discussed in depth.
With time, the equation changed. She became occupied with her studies and responsibilities at home. I, on the other hand, had all the time in the world. I began to get bored. I could no longer meet her whenever I wanted. I had to call and ask if she could! I guess the tension started then. It was a time of change. For both of us. Both of us had our board exams and added to it, I shifted from that locality. The meetings became rare.
I tried to bring that time back but it was not possible. The lack of communication from her side was eating me already. I think it was natural on my part to feel so. She was the only friend I could talk so freely about anything under the sun.
One day she messaged me to call. I called back and I was excited to meet her. Instead she told me she was a bit busy. I was angry. I texted her, if she was so busy then why did she ask me to call? Next thing I knew, she was pissed about my behavior! Apparently her brother had read that text and had shown it to her mother and her mother had shouted at her.
It wasn't my fault. She apologized later. I called her a few times after that. She had a few of my books with her.
One day, she randomly came to my new home. I asked her to come inside but she kept the books on the sofa and told me that she could no longer keep the friendship. I tried to stop her but I did not know what had fallen over me!
I went to her house that very day. She refused to talk to me. I asked her what the matter was but she simply told she cannot meet my expectations. She cannot meet or talk to me. I did not know what to answer to that!
I kept on telling her that I would never ask her to call or meet. She could do as she wished but not to simply end it. She refused to budge from her stand.
Many times I tried to talk to her but each time she was distant. I still don't know what prompted her to take such a decision.
I have pressed myself enough times. Analysed the whole situation from every view possible. I cannot place a single incident that was responsible for this turn. My memories have been tested so much to point out one reason but I have failed to get it.
After 2 years of this incident, she called me out of the blue. I convinced her to meet me.
Things had changed drastically, for worse. I wish I could help her but I couldn't and I can't.
She told me she had made the biggest mistake to break contact with me. She herself didn't know the reason. She told me she was just too stressed and her inability to keep up with my calls had made her upset.
Parting words she told me were, " I wish I had you in my life. I wouldn't have made such a big mistake of my life."
Yes, she had done it all wrong. If only she had called me once before taking such a step, her life would have been different now. I promised her I would never tell what happened with her. I shall keep my promise.
Just as randomly as she had contacted me, she again cut off all contacts.
There are some memories that paralyze a part of you. She is a memory that has made me incapable of having such close bond with anyone. Just the thought of being so close to someone and then being cut off makes me step back. I want to overcome the fear. I want to stop asking myself everytime, am I irritating the person I m talking to? I want to stop analyzing my words and altering it so that the other person does not feel I m demanding. I want to stop worrying about calling someone without sending a "can I call" text.
This post is just a beginning. At least I have brought myself to talk about this. A little step towards deleting the sad memories and smiling over the good ones..
Wherever you are, I miss you.
I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 8th - 14th December 2013. Today's prompt is memory/memories.