Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Witnessing a change.. Part 3

Read First Part and Second Part before reading this..
2/9/2010
Dear Diary..
           I ruined my life..with my own hands..
I can't confide in anyone else but you.. Everyone has abandoned me. I can't tell my friends because against their warnings I did what I pleased.. My parents would die of shame.. Anyway telling them isn't an option anyway.. who do I blame for what went wrong...
           My indecision and my weakness doomed me.. Ricky was all I saw.. I lost my judgement.. My better senses.. and my dignity..
           Everyone is doing it, so what? I didn't want to lose him... But lose what? He was never mine..
Looking back I curse the  night when I called him home.. I betrayed my parents in their absence.. It was raining outside when we both dropped into my place... We were drenched... I should have known it then.. But I was a fool blinded by love...
           Never realised when that touch, that kiss which lingered thirstily on my lips, those desperate sighs progressed to something more.. something forbidden.. something which should ideally have been sacred within the confines of a secure marriage.. but it was everything but that... I was hit by a tornado.. It was furious.. Hungry.. Eating me by pieces... till every little part of me was defeated.. It left me vain.. I was a bundle of nerves.. Fear and the lurking darkness of the inner being within me..
           He kept saying, "baby its alright.. you are in love aren't you.. ?" ... "yes" I said.. It stopped raining when he went back home.... I should have never taken that step..
           When all this happened I wasn't so negative about it.. I was living in the realm  that was far beyond what is the reality.. I thought I m giving myself to the guy I love.. We are both adults.. What could be so wrong.. Everything was wrong.
           The next day he didn't come to college.. I kept calling him.. He didn't answer.. The next few days we hung out but he was never the same Ricky I came to love.. He was just somewhere else... in another dimension.. I thought he too is feeling uncomfortable..
           Then I saw him.. He was with Laila.. Holding hands..hugging.. and hi-fying his friends.. He looked happy.. I approached him.. I could see he was trying to avoid me.. He came over to me and asked me to go home, he wouldn't be accompanying me.. I asked him why he was being so indifferent to me.. The pat reply was "You don't need to cling to me all the time, just because we have made out"... That was soo rude..
           I pleaded him to atleast tell me what I had done wrong.. He just kept silent.. I was at complete end of my wits. But my world came crashing down when he said he didn't want to be with me anymore.. Reason? I m too boring!! I don't let him be!
           Why did he do this to me? what had I not done to please him.. He says I enjoyed it as much as him and I don't need to nag him about it.. Maybe I always was a game for him.. He was not the right guy.. Playboy.. How right my friends were.....
           I can't live with this shame.. I want to end this pathetic life of mine.. I have thought enough about it, no man shall ever take advantage of me.. I just want to die... Tomorrow will be the last day of my life...

P.S To be continued...

1 comment:

chirag said...

hope next part may have something new
sorry